shelter from the storm

*** PICS IN NEW ALBUM! ***

Despite interesting episodes such as a flat tire on Saturday and overheating on the way home… great trip.  (I love being a girl.  You throw the hood up, or toss that spare out, and within approximately 90 seconds, you’ve got help.  Or, at the tire shop, you bat your eyes ever so slightly, smile, and lookie-there, no charge for the repair).

The weekend was quiet, as only weekends in the country can be.  As I left Julie’s ranch-house digs to drive home at 5 a.m. this morning (the only thing I hate worse than mornings is traffic), horses in the barn whinnied and a rooster crowed off in the distance, announcing the coming sunrise.  I laughed to myself.  This city girl forgets easily that places like this still exist, and it always seems a little surreal, like something out a movie.  Everything about the place — the sounds, the smells, the sunshine, the animals — soothed.

I sang in the car.  I read Lamott.  I stroked horsie noses (about thirty of them, as I was introduced to the entire herd).  I hand-fed a fat donkey named Burrito, giggling the whole time like a kid in a petting zoo.  I saw waterfalls.  I saw my first tumbleweed, swerving to miss it as I gawked in wonder that such a thing actually exists.  Jules and I drank coffee and sat in the sun, talking about whatever came to mind – we had time, and we had missed each other so much that we were wanting to take full advantage of it.  We screamed in fright/laughed alternately as we watched lightning bolts strike the ground.   I got a little sunburned and a lot freckly.  We hiked up a mountain through the clouds (I cursed my achy body and the mountain itself about half the way, but made it, nonetheless).  Ate good pizza.  Watched Friends.  Watched sunsets.

It was the most peace-filled time I’ve had in months.  Made it really hard to come back.

Bend was beautiful this morning.  I watched the sunrise all the way out of town — a real stunner spattered in huge streaks of pink and gold.  The sky was clear and calm as I sped through flat grassy farmland, headed for home.  However, the closer I got to the pass, the darker and more foreboding the sky became.  The moment I hit the mountains, I hit rain and clouds and thick fog and wind.  They remained all the way home. 

You can’t beat nature sometimes for symbolism. 

The storm hasn’t gone anywhere.  It waited for me, and as much as I wish I could say otherwise, it hit me hard all over again the moment I returned.  (It’s still waiting for me at the office tomorrow).

But you know what?  God gave me shelter for the weekend.  He didn’t have to.  He didn’t owe it to me.  He gave me time with my dearest friend (which for me has always been a shelter in and of itself) in a beautiful serene place far from thoughts of what’s to come.  I remembered what it’s like to live each day one at a time, stashing away little moments and memories in my heart for savoring later.  It’s been a while since I let myself do that.

I was lying on the couch tonight, reading one of the essays in Plan B, in tears of course because her stuff hits me so straight through the heart, and I realized that it’s ok, in the midst of all that’s happening, just to take it one day at a time.  Enjoy it for what it is, hate it for what it is, whatever.  But one day is enough, and all I’m meant to deal with at once.  The clouds are dark, they’ve hung around for (in my opinion) far too long, but who knows?  They may blow away tomorrow. 

For that day, I continue to live this day, in hope. 

(and for the days I was just so generously given, I give thanks and praise). 

on the ranch…

Whelp, after a beautiful seven-hour drive with very minimal traffic (YAY!), I’m down here in Bend.  It’s pretty – in a high-desert, juniper-y sort of way, but pretty nonetheless.  Best of all is the company.  It’s great to see my dear friend, and her new digs.  This is exactly what I needed.  (She’s at work this morning, so I’m bummin’ around a bit before heading down to her Starbucks for some reading).

 

Jules surprised me yesterday by taking me to the ranch for some riding!  I had been on a horse three times in my life previously, one of which was this time, the others being those rent-a-horse-on-the-beach type deals, so I was fully excited/terrified. 

Given a choice between the smallest horse, and the biggest horse, I of course chose the biggest, Boomer.  He was a sweet guy, even if he freaked me out occasionally by trying to remind me that my position as “Boss” was precarious at best.  I had a blast.  Anything above a walk put me into a fit of giggles as I tried to hold on.  So fun.

 

Each horse in the herd has its own story – typically of neglect or abuse, and subsequent rescue by the ranch.  Once the horses are restored, they are paired up with abused and neglected children, as a kind of therapy for each.  The whole place has a very peaceful, healing quality to it.

 

I can see why Julie loves it.  I can also see why she’s gotten buff since being down here.  It’s a TON of work.  (She likes having me down here because now I’M the city girl, rather than her.  I could barely lift a bale of hay during feeding time for the herd).

Anyhow, having a really good time, exactly what I needed.  Today: hiking!  With my really-sore-from-riding-legs!! 

wide eyed blunder

interesting times… interesting happenings.  today was what I like to call a very rough day.

It felt like this.

The basic gist without too much detail: I let work get personal.  I gave my boss a heads-up regarding potential-but-as-of-yet-fully-undetermined plans out of respect for our relationship, and I’m now paying for it.  two years are seemingly pretty insignificant. 

never trust anyone who “has a business to run.” 

there are drawbacks to living with your heart on your sleeve.  namely, utter stupidity.  when will I ever learn?

hangin’ in there.  my only consolation is that, well… there’s very little right now.  it just hurt.  you’d think this kind of stuff would get easier; that I’d learn to expect it – but it’s fresh every time.

I just hope that some sort of peace/resolution can be found between us.  I’m dreading work tomorrow.  I hate this kind of stuff.  There’s nowhere to hide, and I have no idea how to approach the situation, or whether to even bother.

in the meantime, going to Bend OR for the long weekend to hang out with Julie and get away from… well, get away from it all.  I hope to get outside, get freckly and/or slightly sunburned, drink some coffee, read some good words, hopefully find some rest.  Am looking forward to it with all my heart.

might not be writing for a while.  I’ve got a job to find, and some going to be getting.  pretty much have no choice.  til then.

peter can always be counted on…

oh, and THIS made me laugh today.

preggers

I’ve been getting good email lately. Two, in particular, rocked me. They both spoke good, wise words. Spoke grace and truth. I’m not too proud to say that I needed it. Thank you, dear ones.

(Hopefully they won’t kill me for passing along their words here. It was Just. So. Good. And there have got to be other hearts out there that need a breath of fresh air today).

Email 1, snippets:

I feel so, so – pregnant – that it’s hard not to feel as if I will explode before I see things come to fruition in my life. I know you know the feeling.

…Be encouraged – what I have sensed throughout this process is that in life, there will be good things, and then there will be the best things, good guys, but then the best guy, good job opportunities, but then the best job fit (which we cannot judge by the world’s standards). The hard part is discerning between the two… or making peace with God and ourselves when something doesn’t work out that we could have sworn was a “best.” I’ve been known to be so bad about looking to the past and regretting – but I’m finally coming to terms with looking at the present and saying “okay God, this must mean you have something better.” And at the same time, doing everything within my power to make this present moment the fullest…

This was one of the best me-too’s I’ve ever received.

Pregnant.

Funny word choice. It’s come up a lot recently. And not just because many of my friends are-it. Anne Lamott wrote in Traveling Mercies about how she sat next to a guy on a plane who worked closely with the Dalai Lama. He said they believe when things get all crazy and hectic and burdensome and hard, it’s because something in us is trying to get itself born. And it needs us to be distracted so it can be born as perfectly as possible.

Sitting on the ferry, highlighting the words because I’m a nerd and highlight things in my books, I had to blink back tears.

Then it came up a few weeks ago during my coffee/meeting with Pastor Dan. “Grasshopper,” he said (which always makes this strange kung-fu-ish movie soundtrack play in my head), “Grasshopper – you are SO pregnant… so on the verge of something…” He then went on to encourage me that he couldn’t wait to see what this season of my life will give birth to.

Something in me is trying to get itself born. I’ve sensed it for a long time. But it’s been a painful process. I’m uncomfortable. I don’t fit in my life right. I feel way more clumsy than usual (which is saying something). There’s the inevitable emotional rollercoaster – and then feeling genuinely bad about being on an emotional rollercoaster. I’m a bit nervous as to how much it’s going to hurt – what toll this process is going to take on me – before something new and beautiful is brought forth.

Equal parts fear and anticipation. What a cocktail.

…Good things. Best things. Peace with God and self when we had the two mixed up.

Wow. My heart jumped up and cried it’s own me-too. And, of course, she hit on the two hardest areas: meaningful life-work, and the love stuff.

It’s not difficult once Best or even Better comes along. Everyone says, “Man! I can’t believe I thought that [insert career plan, potential mate, college, etc., etc.] was what would be best for me!” It’s the in-the-meantime that’s hard.

With regards to work, I’m hoping again. I’m seeing some Better on the horizon, and I’m smiling often just thinking about it. Not even because it’ll be The Best… but because I know it’ll at least be Better. The love stuff: not so easy. Good, Best so Far, whatever, set the bar pretty high… and I’ve come across none who measure up. Believing that there’s a better plan than what I had in mind takes faith [being sure of what I do not see], but it’s been quietly and determinedly taking root, growing in me a peace. And – miracle – I’ve released myself from feeling like it could’ve worked had I been Better.

…I’m finally coming to terms with looking at the present and saying “okay God, this must mean you have something better.”

Thank you, dear friend, for taking time to speak words that calmed my soul and soothed my heart. As you have refreshed me, be refreshed.

Yahweh, Yahweh

Always pain before the child is born

Yahweh, Yahweh

Still I’m waiting for the dawn…

FINALLY! a spark!

hey friends -

It’s interview time.

I will most likely have an interview with that church over in Seattle next week.  I was beginning to think the position was mere myth.

And I will also (thanks to friend and former co-worker Gracie’s ninja skills) have an interview with a good loan-processing job here on this side next week.  This isn’t AS cool to me as the viscomm job in Seattle, but it’d pay the bills a bit better and I could transfer to Seattle later.

Seems like things could be taking a new direction.  I’m ok with that.

Wish me luck, kids. 

for the love

thanks for coming up, Jules.  you made my weekend, dear dear friend.

oh, and DUDE.  thanks for the book. 

becoming

I wrote here about a year ago about being a hopeless flake and tumbleweed, how I’d finally made some peace with my tangled paths and God’s rather haphazard method of directing them.

Peace was a quite a bit easier to come by when I was starting to be convinced I was finally tumbling along on my way to Somewhere.

My most recent path, the internship/church work, has come to a [seeming] dead-end. The biggest leap of faith I had ever taken ended up exhibiting all the grace of a high-dive belly flop (complete with shock and searing pain), and now I am faced with this question once again:

“Hmm. Whelp, what next, God?”

I find myself green-envious of those who are living out their dreams, awake. My friend, the Firefighter. My friend, the Teacher. My friend, the Horse Whisperer. My friend, the Barista. My (many) friends, the Happily Married Who Stumbled Upon Their Soulmate Early On, With Relative Ease.

They are what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Of course, their lives aren’t perfect. They don’t live out every moment in ecstatic fits of joy. They work really really hard. They get tired. Life happens. Some of them find that the Dream isn’t exactly what they thought it would be. All of them find that Love is a lot harder than expected. I know this.

I just wish that if God was going to have me be a teller or a secretary for the rest of my life, that he would have made THAT the thing I wanted to be when I grew up. Would make things much easier, in my opinion. I could revel in my TPS reports; thrill at answering phones. HA! I’m a SECRETARY! I’ve arrived! I could savor with absolute contentment my nightly ritual of dinner-for-one, sitting on the floor, leaning on the couch – most often, eating chicken and rice or frozen burritos over-slathered in sour cream and hot sauce.

It would be so convenient – none of those pesky unfulfilled longings.

I have been trying so hard, these last few years especially, to Become Something. Something successful, perhaps; something complete. Something grown-up. Something less in-the-making. Something less someday and a little more right now.

I don’t like being in-the-process-of-becoming. While in-process, I’ve got very little to show for a lot of effort. I feel like one big bundle of unfulfilled potential (of failure, on some days). It’s tough in the midst of the daily grind to keep up hope that I’ll end up a Something rather than, well, a lifer secretary.

Hope, somehow, stubbornly and foolishly remains (and this in itself reminds me that there must be a God). I somehow can never be fully convinced that it won’t actually work out alright in the end, perhaps even better for the long stretch of Not-Yet I traveled. And, it’s starting to make sense that we humans tend to live til 80-ish rather than 25. It’s all in-process.

So, I’ll keep trusting. Not some monumental or deep or hugely inspiring trust, most likely, but enough to say, “Whelp, what next God?” at every dead-end, after every fall-down, in every moment of failure.

If I can somehow learn to trust enough to keep doing that, I think I’ll be alright.

(Maybe God was more interested in my Becoming Someone who trusts him than he was in making me very impressive or successful at the moment.  It’s a thought, at least).

thank you

Mom (in advance) for the chocolate cake on Wednesday…

Dad, for the 7 am Happy Birthday call…

Kevo and Jerod, for good times at the Irish Emigrant…

Kevo, for running with me to the bridge, even though you could’ve gone much faster without me…

Jules, for making the drive up from OR and toolin’ around Seattle all weekend with me, and for Dress Your Family in Corderoy and Denim (now you won’t know where to look for me when I get lost in Barnes and Noble)…

Dano, for the flowers…

Natalie and Megann, for the Gerbera’s (which I will try my darndest not to kill)…

Levi, for the card, what you wrote in it, and the phone call…

JENNIE!  FOR THE STINKIN’ AWESOME CARE-PACKAGE-BY-MAIL!!!  Just got it… made my day… was so surprised!!

Jessy, for the e-card…

Linnea, Jules, Kevo, Amanda, David, Abby… for good meals spent with the dearest of my friends…

Claim Jumper’s, for making such an amazing BBQ chicken sandwich…

Thanks to everyone for making my day such a special one.  I got spoiled.  Totally spoiled.  I have such great friends & fam, and know I’m SO SO lucky.

My heart is full.  25’s gonna be a good one, I’m thinkin’.

beat the bridge

I started out 25 right by, among other fun activities, running an 8k with Kevo yesterday.  Yup.  That’s pretty much like five miles.

And ooh, boy I hurt today!  Fully worth it.

Thanks, brotherman.  Great memory.  Especially crossing the finish line, searching the crowd for you, and catching your big smile as you ran over to congratulate me.  Thanks for cheerin’ me on.

Love you.  It was awesome.  Hope to not-puke next year.