happy new year!

Hey kiddies.

Happy New Year!

Things to look forward to in 2006:

I’ll be 26.  That’s so much older than 25. 

Winter Olympics.  In Italy (where I’m going next summer).  10-26 February.  Ice Skating.  Skiing.  Snowboarding.  Curling.  Amazing.

I will get cable.  And finally be able to watch my two favorite shows.  And lots of VH1.

One year closer to Election 2008.  ‘Nuff said.

Best of all, Michael Buble will decide he can no longer live without me.  He will serenade me until I can no longer refuse him.  (Seriously though, I’m in deep smit).

Happy and safe night to you all.   

May you be more aware of your blessings than ever in the year to come.

held

I woke up at 6 am the day after Christmas and went to Best Buy.  While there, I grimaced, took a deep breath, and purchased a black, shiny, easily scratchable iPod.  I waited and waited and waited, while my buddies smugly carried around their little tune-filled bricks these past two years… and finally, finally… I have all my music in the palm of my hand.  I hate that I am so excited about an object… but all this music can’t help but make me happy in my heart.  Now if I could just get all my CD’s into iTunes sometime this century…

***

Two mornings ago, I woke up totally disoriented, vaguely cognisant of the dream I’d just had.  Sometimes I remember my nighttime ramblings — other times, not.  This particular morning, as I groggily stumbled toward consciousness, the memory came back into focus.  I laid there, warm in my tangled blankets, eyes adjusting to the gray half-dark of a winter morning on Dyes Inlet.  I stared at the ceiling, trying to wrap my head around why I would wake up already feeling so out of sorts.

It is a very haunting thing indeed to wake up mourning the loss of something that never happened.

The details are sketchy, but I remember this: I was being held in a man’s arms, and I was completely relaxed and at peace, and I felt completely safe and loved.  That’s all I really remember of it — just that one moment.  (It weirds me out slightly that the person holding me in the dream is a very random someone who has never held me and whose likelihood of ever holding me is equally nil, but a dream wouldn’t be a dream unless there was some slightly embarrassing surreality involved).  Despite its illusion, the emotions it left me with were undeniably genuine.  As the moment vanished, I was lonely.  I was achy.  I felt vulnerable and incomplete.

As I went about my day’s work and play, this faded, of course.  Thank God for daylight.  Thank God for the fact that daylight, however long in coming, chases away the shadows of our past pain and former hurts.

Sometimes the dawn can take forever.

About a paragraph ago, I stopped typing.  I suddenly remembered what day today is (when I’m off work for more than two days, I can’t tell you the date to save my life.  I’m lucky if I get the day of the week right).  Last year, today exactly, the day before New Year’s Eve, my heart was broken most cruelly.  Some dear friends were present when I told the tale.  You remember.  You offered lovely words of comfort and were patient as I picked up the pieces.  A couple times.

The light was a long time in coming.  I ended up dancing with that heartache for the better part of a year, and it seemed the shadows would never be chased away.

The heart is a very confusing thing.  Sometimes you can crawl back up out of being “in love” – real or imagined – with relative ease, and others (more rarely) feel like climbing Everest.  Some loves come and go, and a few leave a mark.  I’ve learned that despite what you try to tell yourself, what you expect to happen with time, sometimes you’ll never be quite the same.  Some losses are just like that — it matters not whether it’s the death of a person, or of a friendship, or of a love.  Your heart gets wrung into a different shape, and although it’s still fully functional, it works differently.  You’re healed, but you’re never the same.  And that’s ok.  You walk now in the knowledge that despite the pain you once carried in your chest, you made it.  And though you never want to walk there again, you can make it again if you have to.  It actually brings an odd sense of peace.

Maybe the pain of waking from that dream was so poignant because I used to feel that same achy longing vulnerability so deeply and so often.  I don’t anymore.  Well, only for about a minute or so out of 1,440 each day. 

I’ll take it.  The sunlight feels good on my face.  And today’s looking lovely.

***

Thank you, God, for all you’ve done this past year.  Thank you for your constant reminders that I am ALWAYS held, whether I recognize it or not…     

long time no see

Okay, so apparently I could wait to you kids how it all went.  Ha ha.  Sorry about the extended absence.  The holidays have been kickin’ my tail a bit.  Now, as I’m home sick from work, I have some time to share my foggy thoughts.  Quick update, followed by more coherent thoughts later in the week:

-Visiting my new client in Orlando was amazing.  It was a very quick trip – left my house at 5 am Tuesday morning for the east coast, returned to the west coast midnight Thursday night DOG-TIRED- but it was great meeting their team face-to-face, and seeing firsthand the impact they have in their community.  I fought tears at times as I heard story after story of changed lives… of second chances… of renewed hope.  It was so meaningful to see human faces and to realize that I’m a small part of putting food in their mouths, putting clothes on their backs, sharing grace with them.  I’m more grateful than ever for my job, for God opening this door.  It’s fun when people ask how it’s going… I’m all smiles.

-The surprise for Melissa, Dash & the kids has been given!  We had a big dinner at her parents’ house a few weeks ago, sat them down on the couch, and surprised them with a trip to Disneyland!  When we were first raising funds, I sent out an email to folks at work, and so many, who had never even met Melissa, gave generously.  I was already excited and proud of everyone.  Then one person said that he’d like to cover whatever was still lacking.  A-maz-ing.  When we told the family, Melissa cried, and Dash was just dumbstruck, blown away by how much God had already done, and now this.  The living room was full of people who had worked hard to see this trip happen for them.  I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room.  Add to this the fact that Melissa’s first lung CAT scan came back with initial results showing CLEAR… it’s going to be a good Christmas.  The family flies the 21st and flies home Christmas Eve… please pray for this to be a happy time for them, and pray for Melissa’s continued healing and protection.

-As much as I do love the job, it has kept me very busy and I’m looking forward to a lot of time off in the next few weeks.  I need a break!

-I think one of the reasons I’m most excited is that so many dear friends (and Kevo) will be around for Christmas.  I’m picking up Jules at the airport tonight, and she’ll be in town for two weeks.  My old roommate Amanda will also be around for much of that time.  Friends from high school will be in town, one whom I haven’t seen since she was pregnant… with her daughter who is now six years old!  There are definite advantages to being settled so close to home… everyone flocks back at Christmastime.

Okay, it’s time to end this pathetic post.  My brain is so foggy, and my head hurts.  I hope to be posting regularly again soon and will actually have the time to do so… please check back!

Greetings from Orlando!

Been a great trip… just waiting here in the airport to head home… can’t wait to tell you kids how it went.

much love,

stace