poems, etc.
May 27, 2008
Something that caught my notice today in class:
On subjects of which we know nothing, we both believe and disbelieve a hundred times an hour, which keeps believing nimble. –Emily Dickinson
And this, a portion of a poem from a visiting professor that I found deeply moving, for reasons I’m not quite sure of:
Oh, Holy-of-Unholies, I followed the detailed
inset map of You
but could never find the juncture
from it to the vague, rumpled,
folded and refolded, surrounding small-scale map that leads
someplace real.
–Bruce Beasley
yup, that’s about right.
May 26, 2008
No kidding.
new job (no blood!)
May 20, 2008
I need to change my about me blurb to no longer say “poker of fingers, wearer of scrubs.”
This is an awesome development! (Although I miss many of my fellow peons at the plasma center very much).
It’s quite strange, really. Out of habit, I still turn out of our apartment complex in the direction of the old job. It all happened pretty fast. One week, I was almost done with my phlebotomist (translation: wielder of needles) training, and the next, I was hunting Craigslist for job openings. One week I was throwing on scrubs each morning, the next I was (gasp!) having to iron clothes.
Before spring quarter began, I checked my schedule with a supervisor to make sure this new Tuesday-Thursday classes thing would work. It was all good in the hood, they’d just need me to be flexible occasionally when people were on vacation, etc. Done and done.
Well, then that supervisor quit, along with about 8 other people that month. A mass exodus of sorts. Oops.
My schedule went a little nuts, which I expected because I knew we were short-staffed, but when I asked about when my schedule would go back to normal after the new hires were up and running, I was told by a supervisor, “We’ve decided not to work that hard around student schedules anymore. We figure we’re doing you a favor by letting you work here while you’re in school.”
Um.
Okay, here’s my two week notice. Peace!
Justin and Chris really wanted me to compose my two-week notice in sonnet form, since we were doing sonnets that week in poetry class, and I did write one (entitled “Damn the Man!”), along with a few haiku (haikus? What’s the plural?). I just couldn’t go through with turning it in. It would have made a great story, kind of like when Chris told his boss he was quitting to go play Madden, which had just come out… but guess I lack conviction. That, and the boss I had to turn it into was actually a pretty nice guy.
During the last two weeks, there were several moments I thought, “I could keep doing this,” but around the time of my fifth one-day-weekend in a row, I was exhausted and glad to be done.
Now that I’m working my new job, I wonder what took me so long to search out something that fit me better. I’m now a receptionist at a chiropractic/massage clinic, and it’s wonderful. A laid-back boss. A calm environment. My own desk. A sensible schedule. Free chiro and massages every few weeks. What’s not to like?
(Not to mention, Justin has a wife who’s a little saner, and dinners that consist of frozen junk a little less often).
Yay me!
A haven from my unbelief
May 13, 2008
I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for an hour or two tonight, staring yet again at a white screen and blinking cursor. I’m supposed to be writing a 12-18 page essay regarding some aspect of my spiritual experience.
***
Why is it that I’m always called upon to say the most about something when I feel I have so little to say? I’m not really even sure anymore how I came to be here, but here I am. The details feel foggy. Kind of like when you see someone on a talk show, and they’re asked about why they haven’t spoken to a family member in 10 years. They would be hard pressed to remember what it was that ever drove them apart, what it was that started that ridiculous argument, but as soon as the anger receded, awkwardness took over rather heartily. They never quite found the words to begin the relationship anew.
I’m like that lady trying to remember why she hasn’t spoken to her sister in a decade, except that in my own case I’m trying to remember why I can’t sit five minutes in a church without utter regret at having walked in the door.
Julie and I talk about it sometimes. She says that where usually I’m so full of sure words, here I become halted, fumbling. She’s so patient with me while I alternate between rambling and crying, badly attempting to put words to my thoughts. The best thing she’s ever said to me: “I’m not worried about you. You haven’t disappointed me here. Believe it or not, you’re in a great place, an honest one.”
Gulp. Honesty honestly feels like a bit more than I’ve got in me most days. It’s too hard to remain vulnerable very long. Too raw.
***
The internet being my favorite distraction from that nagging cursor, I surfed for a while. It’s been so long since I’ve really been in church that I can’t really say what it is that’s hard for me. So, I went back to my old intern stomping grounds (rather, my old stomping grounds’ website) and listened to some sermons.
Listened to about five minutes worth, anyway. I can’t go too long without having the same gut reaction that I have, say, to watching Jesus Camp. It’s not that people have inherently bad intentions. On the contrary, their intentions are for good. It’s just all too familiar, and yet, so unfamiliar after these years away.
In kind of a “help!” moment I wrote Dan and asked him to tell me what it was like for him during the season he was away from church world before re-entering ministry. (I’m kind of open to whatever thoughts people who have walked there can offer, by the way).
I’m just wondering what you did during those years away from church to keep your faith alive, if anything. I know you and Julie think this is a great place for me to be faith-wise because I’m asking so many questions and trying to do this thing for myself, but the truth is, I feel pretty lonely and wonder if I’m just totally off my rocker to be wondering the things I do about how to “live for Jesus.” Even saying those words feels awkward and horrible.
I think the tears started to trickle right around this point. Just around the moment I finished up my email, this song came on my Pandora, and while it may be complete coincidence, it still moved me in a way that I haven’t been moved in a long time. Two minutes later, I bought it on I-tunes and it’s been on repeat ever since. Alison Krauss sings:
A LIVING PRAYER
In this world I walk alone
With no place to call my home
But there’s one who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands
The way is dark, the road is steep
But He’s become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
The Savior lives inside me there
In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer, my God to Thee
In these trials of life I find
Another voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives
In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer, my God to Thee
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer, my God to Thee
***
In her sweet voice, the words seemed to say: It’s dark sometimes. It’s lonely often. And unbelief shows up for some of us far more often than moments of certainty. Still, we offer what we can of ourselves, knowing it’s not enough – knowing, somehow, it might yet be.
For me, tonight, it’s enough.
yes, this really happened…
May 8, 2008
At the Starbucks I used to work for. Imagine!
Remember the difference between your gas and the brakes, people!
Animoto.com
May 3, 2008
gratitude
May 1, 2008
Today I am thankful for Justin. It will have been a year and a half this coming week… and what a true joy it has been to call this man my husband. That whole “looking around and wondering how this became my life” thing is still a near-daily occurrence. As is gut-laughing at some of his crazy antics. No one told me marriage could be this much fun. Then again, I haven’t seen too many kids masquerading as grownups get married. It kinda comes with the territory, I think.
Today I am thankful for the folks helping me out at physical therapy. I came back from Spring Break with some serious aches and pains and they not only have me feeling better, they have me getting stronger.
Today I am thankful that the Office is on tonight.
Today I am thankful for the kind words people said to me as I left a job whose people I would miss. Hugs were all around, and I felt very blessed to feel like I’d made a difference, no matter how small.
Today I am thankful that I nailed an A on a tough exam this week! I’m thankful for teachers who have taken an interest in me and help me along the way with encouraging words.
Today I am thankful that I have an interview for a new job this next week… one I’d really love to have.
Today I am slowing down to be thankful. God, sometimes I have no idea how to send good words your way, but I do want to be good at saying “Thank you.” So thanks.
Poetry exercise 4
May 1, 2008
Monophobia
Only the fear of being alone would push us to this
(for John)
Here we are
In our very best clothes
Making our very best efforts
To be impressive
Attractive
More than we actually are
My curls are perfectly tossed; feminine
And your cologne smells clean and crisp
But our meal has long vanished
Our conversation quick on its heels
You just checked your watch a third time
And I have run out of clever questions
Those happy Match-dot-com commercials
Never warned us about this:
Awkwardness on an epic scale
